My World Is Upside Down~

May 24, 2018 0 Comments


So to just get to it…’s my house right now:

I don’t know what to say about it. R.D. keeps offering support and thanking me for looking after our house and being all understanding about the stress he thinks it must cause me, but it’s really…just not. I really do not feel any stress about the house being a construction zone at the moment. At least not that I’m aware of. I guess if I feel anything about it, it would a numbness about the whole thing. I feel like I’m a thousand miles away from my life. And I’m just doing it one day at a time, putting one foot in front of the other. I don’t spend too much time thinking about tomorrow,  because wasted energy. It’s Wednesday and there is no one scheduled to come and work on anything, so the day is free to do whatever I want.

After I get the puppies to the park, that is. They’ll certainly insist on me doing exactly that.

Yesterday, the carpenter was here to remove all the baseboards (why the furniture is moved away from all the walls) in preparation of laying the new wood flooring (all those black boxes behind the couch under the sheet in the living room).

In re: the new wood flooring…THAT makes me happy. I never did like the color of the existing wood floor. It is very dark, very red, and every speck of dirt shows up on it. I painted my house in the colors I like to live in, the colors I have painted all my houses but this time, wow, just wow, I hated it. I’ve spent months contemplating whether or not I should repaint the entire house. However, I’m not in my 20s anymore. Painting the house is a very hard work for me any more, I can only do so much at a time and then take a rest. It’s so hard on me that it takes a lot to get me to jump back into it so I end up living with unpainted walls for a long, long time in between painting. Anyhoo, I never did embark on that particular project. It was became easier and easier to simply dislike my house’s color scheme. (Stay with me…this will tie into the story in a minute.)

Then I had the flood/mold problem and long story short, all the wood flooring now needs replacing. I knew I would take advantage of the situation and go with lighter floors. The first wood selection I made was in the same color family, just much, much lighter and I liked it quite a bit. But, the manufacturer has that selection currently under production and it won’t be released it from the factory until end of June. The manufacturer’s rep suggested a different wood, said it was very similar in the shading, the lightness/darkness and the wood grain. The difference is, the new wood loses all the red. It is more of a cafe au lait color, with the grain lines in dark espresso. I brought the new sample home and voila! Holy Matching Color Schemes, Batman!!

Know why I didn’t like *my* colors on the walls this time?? BECAUSE IT CLASHED WITH RED FLOORS!! The brown, not-red flooring is beautiful with my cream yellow walls. So. There. It all worked out.

The next great thing about the new flooring is is it almost $600 cheaper than my first choice. Which worked out really well for another, sadder reason. One of my brother in laws, who I care for quite a bit, lost his significant other to illness and we wanted to help him with the funeral expenses. I wasn’t sure where to get that money as this month is just horrendous for cash flow. So, saving the $600 in flooring took care of that. Like it was meant to be there for my BIL.

Yes. Cash flow. Hoo-boy.

R.D. is retiring and coming home, praise God! It will cost one month’s rent to buy him out of the lease, $2000.  Raymond graduated and is moving out to go start work with Kiewit and that’s going to take some buckaroos. He’s been saving, to be sure, but moving is expensive. Whatever he doesn’t have, we’ll have to come up with to get him set up in his apartment, and make sure he’s got food to eat, lights and internet turned on. I don’t know how much that will be. He’s got an online English course over the summer to pay for that I think I’ll just cover. However, do not get me started on the civil conversation we had because he wanted to go fishing over Memorial Day weekend…I mean, I get it, I do…he has this great group of close friends here that he camps & fishes with. This would be his last hurrah with them as he’s headed to over 4 hours away and starting a new career. But you know what? Adulting is hard at times. So…I pointed out about my offer to pay for the English class while he goes on a weekend fishing trip. (While I sit here at the house!!) I don’t think so, especially now when we’re looking at some heavy duty expenses coming our way this month. Of course, Raymond got it. It really was a civil convo, it’s just…this is his thing: camping and fishing. But he got it, he understood and now I’m feeling like “Welp. I sure wish I could just give my blessing and encourage him to go.” But…can’t.

And there’s always the *other* brother-in-law. Always with him. It’s just game over for him and it is just sad. It’s the saddest thing in the world. I would go into the story but it’s a story as old as time…the Ant and the Grasshopper. He’s the grasshopper. In the parable, it is so cut and dried. “You played and didn’t take care of your future and now you’re cold and hungry. Let that be a lesson to young people everywhere.”

In reality…no one is righteously indignant about it. It takes a lot to keep him off the streets. We have a huge pull on one side of our hearts because he’s a human being, a very flawed human being and family, but still, this is really tough. On the other side is reality. There is only so much money. There are only so many resources…and it takes $2-3000/mo to keep him. I’m so tired of the games he plays. I think we all are. R.D. & I argue over it all the time (if you can call what R.D. & I do arguing…it’s really not that severe, it’s more that we just disagree). It’s my belief that a chunk of the money he cons out of the family actually goes to drugs and alcohol, but the stories he tells to get that money are…I don’t know. Substance abusers are the greatest con artists in the world. Shame on them for using the family’s love and concern against them.

My side of the disagreement is “It’s over. It’s done. It is what it is and we must deal with that. We must come to a sane decision of what we are going to do with him and the financial reality of what we can afford to do. We cannot just keep bleeding money to try and get him back up on his feet. He’s been in the dead bug position for as long as I have known him…20 years. He doesn’t want back up on his feet, he wants you to financially support him and even give him a stipend so he can continue to drink and drug! You MUST face reality!!”

R.D.’s side of the disagreement is “He’s my brother. I know he’s flawed, I have no illusions about him. But this is also a test of my humanity. To let him go live on the street when I have the wherewithal to prevent that? I need to keep trying to help him get cleaned up, get a job and see if he can’t straighten himself out once and for all.”

Me: “He’s 61. He doesn’t want to work. He hates having a job. He’s miserable when you make him go find a job. He turns into a troll and no one can stand to be around him. He’s happy when he’s between jobs and we’re supplying him with groceries and paying his rent. If we continue to do that, and I’m tired of fighting it, I accept it, but we have to find a solution that we can afford.”

I want to buy him a camp trailer and let him go live in it. It will be a roof over his head to keep him out of the elements. We can continue to buy him groceries, it’s really not that much….literally $30 will feed him for 2 weeks or so…and if we find a cheap RV park, we can pay the monthly rent there. I admire my husband for not writing this flawed human being off. My husband is a great man and has a Leave No Man Behind ethos. I love him for that and will support him absolutely. We just have to come to an agreement on what that support looks like and what we can afford. I’ve got him coming around to my way of thinking about the camp trailer. Also, he needs to go back to California for the medical. That’ll be up to us to get him there.

Sorry. Didn’t mean to go off on a rant about this BIL, but he is part and parcel of the upside-downness of my world right this minute; R.D. coming home, Raymond moving out, the house under heavy duty repairs and what are we going to do about the Troll?

The backyard is coming along nicely. The new plants are growing. Still with the sand box. The landscaping company will be here on the 28th to replace the decomposed granite with pavers and finish planting. Can’t wait. I’ve been planting my containers. Right now, I’ve just got everything where they’ll get sun. After the landscaping company finishes, I’ll decide where everything goes. My idea right now is just to disperse the containers here and there among the new English Cottage Garden. Quite like that idea.

UPDATE: Rec’d an email later this afternoon from Hailey at the landscaping company stating they will be here Monday or Tuesday! Yay!

I’ve been out of the sewing room. Everything is just so topsy turvy right now. I think I’m afraid if I get in there and start sewing, all my attention will be there and I’ll miss things going on out here. And I’m in limbo for another few days. I’m planning on moving the sewing room into Raymond’s bedroom but can’t until he moves out and on to Soda Pop, one more week. BUT! I was in there yesterday moving everything out away from the walls so the carpenter could go in and remove the baseboards and this morning woke up with the itch to go finish the project I started. The sewing machines are calling out to me and pulling hard today!! I’m moving things around in my head to try and get the sewing machines, iron and cutting table somewhere where I can work. I think that’s my project today.

I’ve retreated into my music. I’m on the piano every day all day long. I joined a music group. I saw an ad on Craigslist from a character looking for other musicians to just play with. Not forming a band, not looking for gigs, just get together to make noise. It sounded perfect for me. Just heaven. I went 2 Monday nights ago and had a blast. My keyboard is in DC with R.D. so I didn’t play with them. I sang a couple of songs. Last week I looked thru Craigslist to see if I couldn’t pick up a temporary keyboard but I just cannot justify spending the money right now. I was even trying to talk myself into it saying I could give it to the daughter’s kids but in the end, I need to watch the money….because, (see above)…adulting is hard sometimes. The next best idea is to invite everyone out here to my house to play since that’s where my piano is. In July, when my keyboard arrives, I can go back to them at the location they’ve been using. Surprisingly, everyone seemed to agree to it! It’s not so large a group right now, only 7-8 people. I suspect that’s why I’m not wigging out over the house and with the feeling of being displaced, because I have this creative outlet where I’m pouring my all into. I don’t have anything left for freaking out.

Ok..all caught up. I’m going to hit the shower and then get the pups over to the park for their daily romparoo. Lord knows there will be no peace until I do. Then I can figure out how to get that sewing room set up so I can work.


Jyps 🦋

Jypsea Rose